I have never been a woman of extreme faith, nor have I ever claimed or pretended to be.
I grew up in a church, was baptized, went to youth group, and on many mission trips....but after I graduated high school, I think I went to church maybe 10 times? I have never felt "religious". I have always questioned my faith and tried to find where I fit in that scale.
On the day of Camden's diagnosis, after the initial shock and utter disbelief had worn off, I was angry....pissed even. Angry at the doctors for not catching this sooner, angry at myself for possibly giving him this disease, but the most angry at God. If there was such a thing as God, how in the world could he allow such a horrible disease? And why in the hell did my son, MY BABY, have to get it?!?! I could not, and still can't, wrap my mind around it.
Why does a perfectly innocent child have to have such a horrible thing happen to them when there are terrible people in the world that are perfectly healthy?!?! I don't get it...it doesn't make sense and it isn't fair. (please spare me the "life's not fair" speech)
I have asked so many people for prayers because it seems like the right thing to say, but does that even matter? Why pray to something and someone that did this to my baby? Once again, I just don't get it.
I am trying not to hold onto my anger, but it's proving to be rather difficult. I can hold it together in front of people but on my drives to and from work is where it gets messy. I yell and scream at God. I cry. I curse him. I hurt. And I am angry. Angry that my child has this disease, angry that this will be with him for the rest of his life, angry that there are no answers to our questions. Just plain angry. And still, I just don't get it.
--Heart Warrior Momma
Instead of saying why MY baby, say I KNOW why my baby. Because I have so much love and support from my family and friends. Cam is a strong little boy who has an amazing mother who was raised by HER amazing mother and sister who taught her about Faith AND STRENGTH! So maybe God knew that another family somewhere out there isnt as blessed as you with the support of family and friends or that other babys mom isnt as steo g as you are, so he chose yall. I havent met cam, but I can say that by everything I have seen so far is living a wonderfully blessed life with you all and thats what matters. Stay strong kaycee!!!
ReplyDeleteKaycee, I love that you are being raw and honest. I can't imagine such a hurt, as I have yet to be a part of such a special bond of mother and baby. I do however want to straighten something up. It broke my heart to hear your pain and your heart! You have such a fire in you! That is good! I know that Kayla was trying to help, but I disagree with a few things she said. She was right on when she said you are an amazing mother and you have a great support system. But...and this is a big BUT...God is Good and satan is bad. Its a simple truth, but stay with me. In saying this I want to make it clear that while the Lord is Good he cannot be bad! While Kayla was trying to comfort, it was with wrong information. God did NOT choose your baby or you for this. He does not cause ill will nor is this a punishment from the Lord. Nor did you give him this disease. Bad things do not come from God. Jeremiah 29:11 states it pretty simple... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God does not lie. That is truth.
ReplyDeleteBtw...I don't know why it put my mom's name, but that Cindi Dennis is actually Ashley Free.lol and evidently I wrote too much and it cut me off..lol but I was going to also say that the bible also says that the enemy(satan) comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So I know where this came from. But I also know this, God has a Plan for Camden! He has plans for Good and not for evil. I know this is terrible. and while I can not imagine the hurt, I know you are hurting. And while I deny that God caused this, I do believe that he sees everything before it will happen, and He created in you a strength and a courage like no other, before you were even born. And he created in Camden a heart of strength despite its own weakness. You will get to see that strong heart as he continues to grow. He also guided the hands of your doctors so they could detect it and He gave them the knowledge to find ways to make this horrible diagnosis manageable and maybe one day healed. I love you Kaycee. I love your heart and your courage in writing something so raw. Continue to be you, because I believe their are those out there that need to see your strength and may need to borrow it in their own times of need.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Ashley Free